Truth and Honesty in Our Relationships
“We had no secrets; We’d tell each other everything…”-Carly Simon
When we commit ourselves to a relationship with another person, we rightly expect to experience a sense of fulfillment that we didn’t have before. Humans, as social beings, seem to have a universal desire to find a partner. Sexual attraction often serves as the motivator for making initial contact with the other person, and this is usually replaced over time with a deeper sense of commitment and intimacy. It comes as a terrible disappointment to some people when the sexual phase of their relationship fails to lead in time to something deeper. The task, then, is to understand the forces which block the development of a deeper sense of intimacy – and to do something about it. Fortunately, with some work – and it’s often hard work – couples can learn to move into the stage of deeper sharing and more fulfillment in their relationships.
The excitement which comes with entering a new relationship touches us at the core of our being. It influences our thinking, our emotions, and our physical bodies. In some sense it feels like a dream come true. We feel that, finally, the hard years of experiencing the world alone have come to an end. The thing that we have longed for has been achieved. We now have a partner, someone who can share, understand, and appreciate click here our most private experiences. The world suddenly seems like a happier and more secure place. The beginning stages of a relationship can bring a precious sense of connectedness – but when that phone call doesn’t come, when a plan goes awry, when the wrong words are spoken, the emotional high can turn swiftly into a feeling of devastation. Being in love can have its down side.
Over time the physical stage of the relationship is typically replaced by a period of getting to know more about other aspects of our partner’s personality. Some of these characteristics are endearing to us – and others serve to irritate us. We learn how our partner attends to the demands of everyday life, and we learn that he or she may not do things the way we do them. Our partner may take a more aggressive approach than we do. Or we may find that our partner dwells on issues, mulling them back and forth, before coming to a decision – which is something that may create anxiety in us. Our partner’s sense of loyalty to the relationship may be different from our own. These differences may seem catastrophic during this phase of the relationship. And at this stage, rather than looking within to make our own personal adjustment to our partner’s quirks, we may try to force our partners to change their behavior. Power and domination may enter into the dynamics of the relationship – and this can have a major negative impact on intimacy. It is at this stage that genuine communication becomes important to the continued success of the relationship.
Genuine Communication
Communication is at the center of relationships. The quality of a relationship depends on the quality of the communication between the two partners. The most treasured times within a relationship are those in which we tap into our partner’s authenticity with heartfelt communication – those times when we talk truthfully.
Unfortunately, these moments come far too rarely for many of us. Those who can achieve physical intimacy are not necessarily those who can communicate well verbally. Why is this? Some people simply lack the tools and experience for talking about emotional issues. Others talk a mile a minute, needing to be validated by others but instead driving them away. Some people are guarded and have difficulty in opening up about anything personal. Some people are unable to listen to their partner – they always bring the topic back to themselves, or they may see their role as the one who gives (unsolicited) advice.
Some people interpret their partner’s desire for a serious talk as criticism. They become defensive when their partner tries to share the honest truth with them. A serious talk, then, can easily lead to an argument – and this leads to a failure of honest communication. The more failures there are, the less likely the couple will try to communicate on a genuine level in the future – to the detriment of intimacy in their relationship.
Telling the Truth
Truth is difficult for many of us. We all engage in a bit of self-deception in our lives. There are things about ourselves that we have not been able to examine or accept. We have difficulty in admitting our flaws – even to ourselves, much more so to our partners. Sometimes we guard our intimate feelings because we have been hurt in the past when we tried to share them with others, so that trust is a difficult area for us. For example, if you and your partner are feeling unloved and lonely, but you try to cover it up by saying that everything is fine, you will continue to feel isolated. Our commitment to a relationship means that we have decided to open ourselves up to another person, flaws and all. To continue to deceive ourselves with our partner impedes the intimacy of the relationship.
A relationship has the potential to provide a healthy way to come to terms with our issues, both personal and interpersonal. Accepting the truth, and talking about it, can free us of pain and set the stage for a healthier future. When we share our fears within the context of our partner’s loving understanding and acceptance, the fears dissipate. The issues we have been holding on to alone for so long lose their force when they are shared with someone who loves us. Telling the truth can bring down the barriers that isolate us from our partners. It can lead to a new level of self-acceptance and authenticity in our own lives – and this in turn leads to a stronger level of commitment and intimacy in our relationship. The truth can make us whole and set us free.
Here are some guidelines for telling the truth –
Understand what you intend to do when you communicate. This calls for an honest look at your motivations. If you intend to create healing, clarity, or a deeper sense of intimacy within the relationship, your intention will probably lead to these results. If, on the other hand, you want to make yourself look good and your partner look bad – or if you want to hurt your partner – then distrust will result from the communication.
Assess how well your partner can handle the truth. There are times when your partner may not be ready to have heartfelt talks. A clue to this is when your partner continually rejects, or is unable to hear, your attempts at increased closeness. If your partner tends to become defensive, if there is a history of fighting when serious issues are discussed, if your partner is unable to honor your personal information and can’t keep a secret, or if there is a history of betrayal – then it might be best to practice telling the truth with another person, not your partner. Then, when you feel comfortable in telling the truth and trusting, it will be time to engage in heartfelt talks with your partner. Some people prefer to start the process alone with a therapist, since they are trained to listen non-judgmentally and are less likely to take things personally.
Understand your own fears about telling the truth. Communicating on an honest and truthful level makes you vulnerable. You may fear getting hurt or hurting your partner’s feelings. You may feel that you will be misunderstood or that your partner will judge you negatively. Our fears are based on past experiences and reside within us. They are often unrealistic. The higher goal is to communicate truthfully with your partner in order to have a more satisfying relationship, and this means having the courage to confront your fears.
Accept the fact that your partner does not have to agree with you. Many of us are afraid to have intimate talks with our partners unless they agree with everything we have to say. Unfortunately, this leads not so much to intimacy, which involves a sharing and acceptance of our differences, as it does to control struggles and isolation from our partners. Accept, and even treasure, your partner’s individuality. Two people can be right at the same time in a relationship – it’s just a matter of two different interpretations of the same events. Intimacy occurs between two complete, whole individuals, each of whom honors their partner’s way of looking at the world.
Listening to the Truth
If you want your partner to be honest with you, you have to be a good listener. Communication is a two-way process. A good listener –
is nonjudgmental and open-minded;
doesn’t jump to conclusions;
understands that the truth comes out a little at the time, not all at once;
doesn’t try to impose his or her personal version of the truth on the speaker;
doesn’t interrupt and allows the speaker to finish talking before responding;
helps the speaker clarify what is being said;
can tolerate different opinions without becoming defensive.
People frequently hear something other than what is being said. We misperceive because of our own life experiences. If we frequently become argumentative or have our feelings hurt during conversations, it is helpful to examine our ability to listen without drawing conclusions prematurely.The way we hear what others say is often more a reflection of us than the other person. True listening involves looking within and developing the ability to hear correctly what the other person is trying to say. When people have heartfelt talks, their intentions are usually good.
The long-term success of any relationship depends on the ability of the two partners to achieve intimacy through their communication. When the two partners feel isolated from each other and blocked in their ability to achieve the closeness they once felt, it is time to work on expressing their innermost thoughts and feelings to each other. This involves a taking deep look within and a commitment to face the fears which have driven them apart. Telling the truth takes practice, and lots of it – first on your own and then with your partner. Looking within and accepting who you are – and then sharing this with your partner – is healing. It is a way to wholeness, both personally and as a couple.
A Way to Work on Intimate Communication
Many couples go for months or years without having deep and intimate talks. They live with silence and feel emotionally estranged from the person to whom they have committed themselves. They want the closeness they expected when their relationship began, but they don’t know how to get there. The walls seem too high. They hope that something magical will happen, that suddenly the barriers will come falling down and they will be able to feel close again. Unfortunately, couples seem to be able to endure years of silence, and for many, the turnaround never happens. It takes a realization that the relationship needs work. This means taking an honest look at the state of the relationship and a determination to do something about it.
Layne and Paul Cutright have developed a structured approach to achieving truth and honesty in relationships. In their book, Straight from the Heart, they propose learning how to share intimate communication through having Heart-to-Heart Talks™. They identify four types of processes that make up these talks –
Nurturing Processes – Every relationship needs mutual nurturing. Each partner needs to feel cared about. In this phase of the talks, the partners learn how to say things that lead to mental and emotional wellness. This healing energy allows the relationship to begin to flourish.
Clearing Processes – In order to let go of (or clear) your fears and anxieties, it is neces-sary to talk them through so that you can begin to see new possibilities. It is difficult to see these possibilities when fear prevails. Sharing your fears with another person diminishes their power over you.
Discovery Processes – Talking out loud helps us to achieve a new understanding of a situation. These are things about ourselves that we normally keep hidden, both from others and ourselves. Sharing them with another person allows us to gain new perspectives.
Affirming Processes – Your partner can help you to strengthen your self-esteem and self-respect. Your relationship can become a place where you feel good, whole, and complete.
Follow and click the link to read more about this article and see many more leading articles on marriage, couples, and family:
http://fvinstitute.com/article/truth-and-honesty-in-our-relationships/
Truth and Honesty in Our Relationships
“We had no secrets; We’d tell each other everything…”-Carly Simon
When we commit ourselves to a relationship with another person, we rightly expect to experience a sense of fulfillment that we didn’t have before. Humans, as social beings, seem to have a universal desire to find a partner. Sexual attraction often serves as the motivator for making initial contact with the other person, and this is usually replaced over time with a deeper sense of commitment and intimacy. It comes as a terrible disappointment to some people when the sexual phase of their relationship fails to lead in time to something deeper. The task, then, is to understand the forces which block the development of a deeper sense of intimacy – and to do something about it. Fortunately, with some work – and it’s often hard work – couples can learn to move into the stage of deeper sharing and more fulfillment in their relationships.
The excitement which comes with entering a new relationship touches us at the core of our being. It influences our thinking, our emotions, and our physical bodies. In some sense it feels like a dream come true. We feel that, finally, the hard years of experiencing the world alone have come to an end. The thing that we have longed for has been achieved. We now have a partner, someone who can share, understand, and appreciate our most private experiences. The world suddenly seems like a happier and more secure place. The beginning stages of a relationship can bring a precious sense of connectedness – but when that phone call doesn’t come, when a plan goes awry, when the wrong words are spoken, the emotional high can turn swiftly into a feeling of devastation. Being in love can have its down side.
Over time the physical stage of the relationship is typically replaced by a period of getting to know more about other aspects of our partner’s personality. Some of these characteristics are endearing to us – and others serve to irritate us. We learn how our partner attends to the demands of everyday life, and we learn that he or she may not do things the way we do them. Our partner may take a more aggressive approach than we do. Or we may find that our partner dwells on issues, mulling them back and forth, before coming to a decision – which is something that may create anxiety in us. Our partner’s sense of loyalty to the relationship may be different from our own. These differences may seem catastrophic during this phase of the relationship. And at this stage, rather than looking within to make our own personal adjustment to our partner’s quirks, we may try to force our partners to change their behavior. Power and domination may enter into the dynamics of the relationship – and this can have a major negative impact on intimacy. It is at this stage that genuine communication becomes important to the continued success of the relationship.
Genuine Communication
Communication is at the center of relationships. The quality of a relationship depends on the quality of the communication between the two partners. The most treasured times within a relationship are those in which we tap into our partner’s authenticity with heartfelt communication – those times when we talk truthfully.
Unfortunately, these moments come far too rarely for many of us. Those who can achieve physical intimacy are not necessarily those who can communicate well verbally. Why is this? Some people simply lack the tools and experience for talking about emotional issues. Others talk a mile a minute, needing to be validated by others but instead driving them away. Some people are guarded and have difficulty in opening up about anything personal. Some people are unable to listen to their partner – they always bring the topic back to themselves, or they may see their role as the one who gives (unsolicited) advice.
Some people interpret their partner’s desire for a serious talk as criticism. They become defensive when their partner tries to share the honest truth with them. A serious talk, then, can easily lead to an argument – and this leads to a failure of honest communication. The more failures there are, the less likely the couple will try to communicate on a genuine level in the future – to the detriment of intimacy in their relationship.
Telling the Truth
Truth is difficult for many of us. We all engage in a bit of self-deception in our lives. There are things about ourselves that we have not been able to examine or accept. We have difficulty in admitting our flaws – even to ourselves, much more so to our partners. Sometimes we guard our intimate feelings because we have been hurt in the past when we tried to share them with others, so that trust is a difficult area for us. For example, if you and your partner are feeling unloved and lonely, but you try to cover it up by saying that everything is fine, you will continue to feel isolated. Our commitment to a relationship means that we have decided to open ourselves up to another person, flaws and all. To continue to deceive ourselves with our partner impedes the intimacy of the relationship.
A relationship has the potential to provide a healthy way to come to terms with our issues, both personal and interpersonal. Accepting the truth, and talking about it, can free us of pain and set the stage for a healthier future. When we share our fears within the context of our partner’s loving understanding and acceptance, the fears dissipate. The issues we have been holding on to alone for so long lose their force when they are shared with someone who loves us. Telling the truth can bring down the barriers that isolate us from our partners. It can lead to a new level of self-acceptance and authenticity in our own lives – and this in turn leads to a stronger level of commitment and intimacy in our relationship. The truth can make us whole and set us free.
Here are some guidelines for telling the truth –
Understand what you intend to do when you communicate. This calls for an honest look at your motivations. If you intend to create healing, clarity, or a deeper sense of intimacy within the relationship, your intention will probably lead to these results. If, on the other hand, you want to make yourself look good and your partner look bad – or if you want to hurt your partner – then distrust will result from the communication.
Assess how well your partner can handle the truth. There are times when your partner may not be ready to have heartfelt talks. A clue to this is when your partner continually rejects, or is unable to hear, your attempts at increased closeness. If your partner tends to become defensive, if there is a history of fighting when serious issues are discussed, if your partner is unable to honor your personal information and can’t keep a secret, or if there is a history of betrayal – then it might be best to practice telling the truth with another person, not your partner. Then, when you feel comfortable in telling the truth and trusting, it will be time to engage in heartfelt talks with your partner. Some people prefer to start the process alone with a therapist, since they are trained to listen non-judgmentally and are less likely to take things personally.
Understand your own fears about telling the truth. Communicating on an honest and truthful level makes you vulnerable. You may fear getting hurt or hurting your partner’s feelings. You may feel that you will be misunderstood or that your partner will judge you negatively. Our fears are based on past experiences and reside within us. They are often unrealistic. The higher goal is to communicate truthfully with your partner in order to have a more satisfying relationship, and this means having the courage to confront your fears.
Accept the fact that your partner does not have to agree with you. Many of us are afraid to have intimate talks with our partners unless they agree with everything we have to say. Unfortunately, this leads not so much to intimacy, which involves a sharing and acceptance of our differences, as it does to control struggles and isolation from our partners. Accept, and even treasure, your partner’s individuality. Two people can be right at the same time in a relationship – it’s just a matter of two different interpretations of the same events. Intimacy occurs between two complete, whole individuals, each of whom honors their partner’s way of looking at the world.
Listening to the Truth
If you want your partner to be honest with you, you have to be a good listener. Communication is a two-way process. A good listener –
is nonjudgmental and open-minded;
doesn’t jump to conclusions;
understands that the truth comes out a little at the time, not all at once;
doesn’t try to impose his or her personal version of the truth on the speaker;
doesn’t interrupt and allows the speaker to finish talking before responding;
helps the speaker clarify what is being said;
can tolerate different opinions without becoming defensive.
People frequently hear something other than what is being said. We misperceive because of our own life experiences. If we frequently become argumentative or have our feelings hurt during conversations, it is helpful to examine our ability to listen without drawing conclusions prematurely.The way we hear what others say is often more a reflection of us than the other person. True click here listening involves looking within and developing the ability to hear correctly what the other person is trying to say. When people have heartfelt talks, their intentions are usually good.
The long-term success of any relationship depends on the ability of the two partners to achieve intimacy through their communication. When the two partners feel isolated from each other and blocked in their ability to achieve the closeness they once felt, it is time to work on expressing their innermost thoughts and feelings to each other. This involves a taking deep look within and a commitment to face the fears which have driven them apart. Telling the truth takes practice, and lots of it – first on your own and then with your partner. Looking within and accepting who you are – and then sharing this with your partner – is healing. It is a way to wholeness, both personally and as a couple.
A Way to Work on Intimate Communication
Many couples go for months or years without having deep and intimate talks. They live with silence and feel emotionally estranged from the person to whom they have committed themselves. They want the closeness they expected when their relationship began, but they don’t know how to get there. The walls seem too high. They hope that something magical will happen, that suddenly the barriers will come falling down and they will be able to feel close again. Unfortunately, couples seem to be able to endure years of silence, and for many, the turnaround never happens. It takes a realization that the relationship needs work. This means taking an honest look at the state of the relationship and a determination to do something about it.
Layne and Paul Cutright have developed a structured approach to achieving truth and honesty in relationships. In their book, Straight from the Heart, they propose learning how to share intimate communication through having Heart-to-Heart Talks™. They identify four types of processes that make up these talks –
Nurturing Processes – Every relationship needs mutual nurturing. Each partner needs to feel cared about. In this phase of the talks, the partners learn how to say things that lead to mental and emotional wellness. This healing energy allows the relationship to begin to flourish.
Clearing Processes – In order to let go of (or clear) your fears and anxieties, it is neces-sary to talk them through so that you can begin to see new possibilities. It is difficult to see these possibilities when fear prevails. Sharing your fears with another person diminishes their power over you.
Discovery Processes – Talking out loud helps us to achieve a new understanding of a situation. These are things about ourselves that we normally keep hidden, both from others and ourselves. Sharing them with another person allows us to gain new perspectives.
Affirming Processes – Your partner can help you to strengthen your self-esteem and self-respect. Your relationship can become a place where you feel good, whole, and complete.
Follow and click the link to read more about this article and see many more leading articles on marriage, couples, and family:
http://fvinstitute.com/article/truth-and-honesty-in-our-relationships/
Create the Marriage You Desire or Life Will Do It for You
“We are most alive when we’re in love”
-John Updike
Dr. Laura Bokar, LMFT, LCPC, ACS
“Life is Difficult” reads the opening line of Dr. M. Scott Peck’s book, The Road Less Traveled. As a marriage and family therapist, I wholeheartedly agree. In regards to relationships, I would add the phrases: messy and complicated. Yet a healthy relationship is worth enduring struggles and working through the complications.
Many experiences in our lives make us feel happy and sad. Our relationships have the ability to allow us to enjoy happiness and find fulfillment. With marriages being the most important relationship in our lives, we need to know more about how to design the relationships we desire and not solely rely on what we learned from our parents.
When we set about designing a beautiful home with our spouses, we discuss all the details. These details include the size, paint colors, floors, ceilings, rooms, stairs, entry ways, as well as windows, lighting, curtains, door knobs, hooks, furniture, and landscaping. We share with our partner, our desires, likes, and dislikes. We discuss each room, and the exact way we want it to look. We spend hours each day over the course of months creating our dream home. I mention this example, because I find that couples spend more time designing their homes, careers, and fvinstitute.com/article/create-marriage-desire-life-will debating on the model of their cars than they do investing time into designing the marriages they desire.
There is a belief that a good marriage will fall into place “naturally”. Now if we believed that the homes we are designing would be created “naturally,” I don’t think many people would be pleased with the outcome. Guess what? Not many couples are happy when they think about the outcome of where their marriages are going. That is a good thing. When they take the time to recognize the marriage is not heading in the direction they’d like, they can decide to change it. When one decides it is time to make a change – that is the first step!
There is a plan one can follow when they decide they want to redesign their marriage. The next step is to make certain we are first taking care of ourselves. Yes, it may sound strange that we need to focus on ourselves first to improve our marriage, however it is true. To have an extraordinary and healthy marriage, it needs to start with two extraordinary and healthy individuals.
To start, one needs to assess five areas of their lives; health and fitness, emotional intelligence, intellectual growth, character, and spiritual development. In the assessment, one needs to honestly review each area and determine if changes need to be made. The main question should be – How do I want to be different in each area in order to be the person I know I can be. When we are feeling healthy, emotionally intelligent, learning new things, strong in our character, and feeling spiritually fit, we are in a better place and capable of being a better spouse.
After one has designed a plan for themselves, then the design for the marriage can occur. This would be the time to come together and decide what you want your marriage to look like in all areas. How do you want to grow as a couple? What are the things you want? What experiences do you want to share together? What type of environment do you strive to create? What is the vision of your marriage – romantically, intelligently, emotionally, physically, and spiritually? Start investing the time and energy designing the extraordinary relationship you know you want.
This may be the first time many start to think about designing their marriage. Yet, if we think about it, it does make sense. Initiate a conversation with your spouse about the desires you have for your marriage. It would be important to make this into a regular conversation each week and to create a Marriage Design Book. Add, change, and create more to your book each week. It keeps it fresh, alive, and in the forefront of your mind. By doing this, you will make your marriage YOUR design. Take the time to create the marriage you desire or life will do it for you!
Dr. Laura Bokar, LMFT, LCPC, ACS
Follow and click the link to read more about this article and see many more leading articles on marriage, couples, and family:
http://fvinstitute.com/article/create-marriage-desire-life-will/
The Intimate Relationship: Intimacy In Relationships Is One Key To Emotional Health
Some of us search our entire lives for a feeling of oneness with another person. It’s hard to describe, really, what we search for, but we know it when we finally achieve it. Maybe we tire of that dark feeling of being ultimately alone as we struggle through life. If only there were someone else here, we say to ourselves, who could understand and share these burdens. Then it wouldn’t be so lonely. It wouldn’t be so hard. Or perhaps, in our more positive moments, we want to share not just the burdens but our pleasures too, our strength and beauty. We want the powerful impact of our internal experience to have an impression on someone else, as if to say that we count, we are whole, and we want to impart this feeling to another person.
Humans are social beings. Is that why we search for intimacy with others? Is the quest for intimacy the reason we commit ourselves to another person in marriage or other public declaration of loyalty? In trying to find intimacy, are we simply searching again for the ultimate feeling of bonding that we felt toward a parent during our infancy? The search for intimacy may be one reason we form social groups, and it may explain why we quest for spiritual fulfillment in our religious lives.
We do not want to be alone. We want to touch and to be touched.
Many people in contemporary society feel lonely. For all the benefits we derive from living in a highly technological world, we still may find it difficult to discover ways to form intimate relationships. In fact, our high tech society seems to fragment our social connections, to drive us away from other people. For example, electronic mail seems to make connecting with other people much easier, but in truth our messages are usually just flashes of ideas – briefly written, briefly read and instantaneously deleted – and they barely fulfill our desire for more complete relationships based on our inner experiences. In our modern society, we lack ways to see, hear, or touch other people – not in person and not to the extent that humans have in the past. What our high tech world has brought us is an abundance of stress in our personal lives. And stress and intimacy are hardly compatible bedfellows.
To have an intimate connection with another person requires first that we have access to our own personal emotions and ideas. We cannot expect to be intimate with another when we are out of touch with our own internal experiences. We must explore and become familiar with our own personal thoughts and feelings before we can share them with someone else. Our intimate experiences may involve our emotional, cognitive, social, physical, sexual, and spiritual lives. Two people, each of whom is in touch with his or her own internal experiences, may be able to share an intimate relationship on any one of these levels. True intimacy is one of the ultimate expressions of the human experience. And that may be why we strive so hard to find it.
How We Reach Intimacy
Each person seems to understand the intimate experience in his or her own way. In a sense it takes a journey of personal discovery to learn how to share intimacy with another person. Here are some guidelines that may help to define that journey –
Know Your Self:
Get in touch with your own private experiences. In our stressed-out world this is often hard to do because our attention is directed outward much of the time. It helps to sit – doing nothing and being distracted by nothing – and spend time in reflection and introspection. Observe your thoughts and feelings. The brain has pleasure centers – close your eyes and imagine yourself experiencing pleasure. Become familiar with those parts of yourself that are strong and that feel whole and integrated. Learn to feel comfortable with the part of yourself that senses calmness, confidence and peace. (Some people like to spend a few minutes every night before bed, perhaps with just a candle burning, reflecting on the events of the day. Others prefer to keep a daily journal of their private thoughts and feelings.) Until you know your own private feelings, it is difficult to share them with someone else.
Communicate With Another Person:
Share what you know about yourself with another person who can be trusted. This involves several steps. First, you need a sense of commitment to that person. Strangers passing through your life are not the appropriate people with whom to share your deepest feelings. Intimacy has to be reserved for a person who will be there over the long haul – a close friend, a partner, a family member, or, if we’re lucky, a soul mate. You also need a feeling of trust. If the other person is not able to appreciate the delicacy of what you are sharing, it is futile to try to achieve intimacy. In the worst case, your words might be held against you later, which can be damaging and may lead to cynicism and distrust. Knowing whom to trust involves acquiring good judgment about other people. A trustworthy person is one who can honor and respect you for sharing your most intimate experiences. Finally, understand that intimacy involves making yourself vulnerable. The guarded and defensive person will never find true intimacy. Finding intimacy means taking a risk, opening yourself up, sharing the most personal part of yourself with another person. Can the other person handle it? Can the other person care? If they can, you are no longer alone.
Intimacy Is Reciprocal:
A healthy intimate relationship is one in which both partners know themselves and are able to come together with a sense of equality. Certain relationships are not meant to be reciprocal (the therapist/client relationship, for example, often involves a high level of deeply personal communication, but this is primarily on the part of the client). Perhaps the most intense and lasting levels of intimacy are achieved when both partners are able to share equally with each other. As the listener, you have to be able to honor and respect the openness, vulnerability, and courage of the one who is communicating personal ideas and emotions. Value judgments, criticisms, and advice-giving have no place in intimate communication. The goal is to appreciate and acknowledge the validity of the other person’s deepest feelings. If you are aware of your own thoughts and feelings, you may then have the ability to appreciate similar experiences on the part of the other person.
Keep the Light Alive:
Once two people have entered into a deep level of sharing, they usually want to stay there. If there is true equality between the two, they achieve a balance which feels right and which they don’t want to lose. If, however, one of the partners feels the need to lessen the level of intimacy, the probability of conflict increases. You can avoid misunderstandings by maintaining your commitment and trust during these natural cycles that occur within any relationship. Intimacy takes work and a sense of maturity. To shirk the responsibility of keeping an intimate relationship alive invites a return to isolation.
The intimate relationship is healthy. Intimacy allows us to end loneliness and to share the deepest and most personal parts of ourselves with a trusted partner. As social beings, we respond physically to the experience of intimacy. People who have intimate relationships live longer and healthier lives and they report more personal happiness and satisfaction with the way they live. Intimacy gives us a feeling of comfort, security, and a sense of being loved and accepted. It gives us the freedom and support to stay true to the special qualities that define each one of us as a unique person.
Psychotherapy can allow us to explore our own deepest and most intimate feelings in a safe and accepting setting with a professional trained to understand these inner processes. We can learn to stay true to our uniqueness and to feel comfortable in sharing our authenticity with another person. We can explore who can be trusted, and who can’t, as well as the features of our lives that may have led us to hide ourselves from others. Psychotherapy has the potential to teach us how to break out of isolation and loneliness into a world of love and acceptance. It prepares us to explore an intimate relationship outside of the therapy setting.
The Healthy Benefits of Intimacy
A number of research studies have shown persuasively that people in intimate relationships live longer and happier lives than those who are not.
For example, we know that people in marriages or other committed relationships live longer than people building intimacy in relationships who are single.
In one classic study researchers found that 95 percent of people who described their parents as uncaring had diseases by midlife, while only 29 percent of those who described their parents as caring had midlife diseases. Having supportive and close relationships with parents in our childhoods leads to healthier relationships in general when we grow up, and it is these healthier adult relationships that are linked to a lower prevalence of heart disease and cancer in midlife. In other words, one can compensate for a deprived childhood by learning later in life how to sustain supportive relationships.
In another series of studies, researchers found that people who are socially isolated are two to five times more likely to die prematurely than those who have a sense of connection and community.
A study at the University of Texas looked at patients who had undergone open-heart surgery. Those who had neither ongoing group participation nor were able to derive strength from their religion were more than seven times more likely to have died six months after their surgery.
Women with metastatic breast cancer were assigned to support groups which met once a week for a year. The women in the support groups lived twice as long as those who were not in these groups.
One study has even found that people with fewer relationships of any kind (e.g., friendship, a partner, family, work, social groups, religious affiliations) were four times as likely to develop a common cold as those who had more relationships.
Interestingly, research showed that people with pets are healthier than people without them and have to make fewer visits to doctors.
Trusting Well
It is difficult to achieve intimacy in a relationship unless we have the ability to trust. We tend to focus on other people when we think about trust – that is, we might ask, who out there can be trusted and who cannot? But it may be more helpful to look inside and to think about trust also as something that we do well, or not. Some people grow up with a good ability to trust appropriately, and others, because of their needs and life experiences, have more difficulty with this issue.
Having a good eye for trust involves having a healthy sense of our own identities – and this means having a positive self-image, the ability to value ourselves and our decisions, and a good sense for protecting our own boundaries. We need to know what we stand for and what is best for us. Trust also involves acquiring a knack for making good judgments. When we have the self-confidence that comes with knowing and liking ourselves, as well as the ability to make life-enhancing decisions, we should be able to decide fairly easily about whom to trust.
Trust between two people emerges from a process of mutual self-disclosure – we gradually reveal more and more about ourselves to the other person until the relationship achieves a sense of intimacy. The first person self-discloses only to the degree that the other person has, in a series of steps. A good balance is maintained between both people. If this balance is disrupted, it is difficult to maintain trust. For example, if one person reveals everything all at once and the other person reveals nothing at all, the balance is broken – and neither party will be able to trust the other. The building of trust is a mutual process that takes time. We feel comfortable revealing things about ourselves when the other person has shown that he or she is willing to take the same risk.
Some people trust blindly. They reveal everything all at once, expecting that the other person will be able to reciprocate immediately. What is more likely is that the other person will feel overwhelmed and may back off from closeness. People who trust blindly may want to look into issues like boundaries, self-image and why they need to be so close so quickly.
Other people find it difficult to trust at all. They may feel protected, but the walls are so high that they may never find an intimate relationship – and what a price to pay for protection! People who have difficulty with opening themselves to trust may want to look into the pain that may have closed them off – and they may want to look into ways of improving their communication skills. The rewards of intimacy are well worth it.
Follow and click the link to read more about this article and see many more leading articles on marriage, couples, and family: http://fvinstitute.com/article/the-intimate-relationship-intimacy-in-relationships-is-one-key-to-emotional-health/
Marriage and Couples Counseling
”Good relationships just don’t happen. They take time, patience and two people
who want to be together”
Couples and Marital Counseling
Keeping a relationship healthy and happy over time takes time and energy. It is wonderful when a couple in a troubled relationship is able to recognize and jointly work out their differences. This process is not always easy, however. Once problems have started to become chronic, emotional disconnect builds and compromise can often feel unsafe. In such cases, the safe and protected counseling offered by a marital or couples therapist can make the difference between a marriage that survives versus one that thrives!
Some signs that your relationship would benefit from therapy:
Poor communication
“When it’s just too frightening to even bring issues up — from sex to money, or even annoying little habits that are being blown out of proportion, a therapist’s job is to help the couple become clear about their issues and to help them understand what they are truly talking about.”
Your Sex Life has Significantly Changed
Most feel that when there is a loss of intimacy, there are problems. While this is true, it is also important to be mindful of a sudden increase. If you have not been having regular or passionate sex and all of a sudden your partner behaves like a courting lover or wants to experiment with new activities that s/he has never expressed an interest in before, it could indicate that he is experiencing feelings of arousal that are not originating from his relationship with you!
Holding on to the Past
It might be a good idea to talk to a professional when there has been a traumatic event in your lives, like the loss of a child or an affair – and one partner cannot let the past go. Whatever the situation, every person processes trauma differently.
A Reoccurring Issue
One type of red flag that can be greatly helped by therapy is an issue that has been difficult in the relationship from the beginning, but regardless of endless discussions, never seems to pass. “When you see that the same issues are coming up again and again in disagreements, it is a good sign they are not effectively being resolved and the couple is at a ‘sticking point’.
Finances
Disagreements over money are one of the top reasons couples find themselves in conflict. If your spouse keeps you in the dark about family finances or feels the need to control everything related to money, it may be time to speak up. Conversely, perhaps you both feel that your spending is unhealthy and seek more moderation with your finances.
Kids
Yes, children are a blessing, but they can also add stress to your marriage, especially if the two of you are not a united front. Seek counseling if you disagree with each other’s parenting styles and frequently argue about how your children should be raised.
You Still Love Your Spouse
If you still love your spouse, really want to make things work, and haven’t been successful, then consider finding a counselor. You need to seek advice before things escalate. “Be a proactive couple who strives to solve issues before they tear at the fabric of your deepest bonds of trust and intimacy.”
Why Fox Valley Institute?
The experienced therapists at Fox Valley Institute teach you how to Couples Counseling view your relationship differently, and how to manage those times when it feels like you are going through the white water rapids and life seems unmanageable.
Relationships ebb and flow like a river. Sometimes they are fast and exciting. Sometimes they meander and move very slowly; and sometimes they are like raging, troublesome waters. The counselors at Fox Valley Institute give each couple (or individual) hope for a partnership that will be different than it was before they came in to see us.
We help you with information backed by research that will educate you and your spouse concerning:
The myths about marriages
Identifying specific problem areas
Strengths you already possess in the relationship
Solutions to those reoccurring arguments
The role your primary family may play in your interactions
Specific tools for building a different partnership
Approaches to manage conflict
Strategies to reconstruct the marriage
Methods to change interactive patterns
Techniques to enhance friendship
Ways to feel emotionally connected again
“The ‘honeymoon’ phase in any committed relationship is not meant to last; eventually it becomes obvious that sharing life with another person requires a special set of skills. Most couples start to come apart because our culture doesn’t teach us how to maintain and strengthen these skills.”
What are the benefits of talking to a marriage/couples therapist?
Our therapists:
Understand you might feel disconnected and fearful
Recognize you desire a deeper level of intimacy
Help you re-establish trust again
Grasp complex relational dynamics
Appreciate the uniqueness of both partners’ thoughts, emotions, and feelings
Offer techniques backed by research that lead to tangible results
Give specific tools so you can better understand your spouse and restore your relationship
“The most recent rigorous research suggests that marriage reduces depressive symptoms for both men and women.”
Kim, Hyoun K., and Patrick McKenry (2002)
The Relationship Between Marriage and Psychological Well-Being
aspe.hhs.gov/hsp/07/marriageonhealth/rb.
At Fox Valley Institute, we offer a confidential, safe and comfortable space for our clients. From evening and weekend appointment times, to our warm and soothing waiting room, your well-being is a priority.
To make an appointment at Fox Valley Institute, click “Contact Us” at the bottom of this page.
Do You Truly Know Your Partner?
I can name my partner’s best friends.
__Yes
__No
I know what stresses my partner is currently facing.
__Yes
__No
I know the names of some of the people who have been irritating my partner lately.
__Yes
__No
I can tell you some of my partner’s life dreams.
__Yes
__No
I can tell you about my partner’s basic philosophy of life.
__Yes
__No
I can list the relatives my partner likes the least.
__Yes
__No
I feel that my partner knows me pretty well.
__Yes
__No
When we are apart, I often think fondly of my partner.
__Yes
__No
I often touch or kiss my partner affectionately.
__Yes
__No
My partner really respects me.
__Yes
__No
There is fire and passion in this relationship.
__Yes
__No
Romance is definitely still part of our relationship.
__Yes
__No
My partner appreciates the things I do in this relationship.
__Yes
__No
My partner generally likes my personality.
__Yes
__No
Our sex life is mostly satisfying.
__Yes
__No
At the end of the day my partner is glad to see me.
__Yes
__No
My partner is one of my best friends.
__Yes
__No
We just love talking to each other.
__Yes
__No
There is lots of give and take (both people have influence) in our discussions.
__Yes
__No
My partner listens respectfully, even when we disagree.
__Yes
__No
My partner is usually a great help as a problem solver.
__Yes
__No
We generally mesh well on basic values and goals in life.
__Yes
__No
Follow and click the link to read more about this article and see many more leading articles on marriage, couples, and family: http://fvinstitute.com/services/marriage-counseling-couples-counseling/
